What can you do when dealing with a toxic parent?

While you cannot change someone else’s behavior, setting boundaries can limit the interactions you have with toxic parents. It can also help you take control in the situation and feel some power where you may have felt powerless before.
As an adult, you may still be influenced or overwhelmed by your parents. You may even feel like you’re waiting for someone to give you permission to escape from that influence.
Here’s the thing: You are that person who can grant yourself permission. You are that person who can decide to change and take back your life. And you can start as early as today by making a plan.

Boundaries

One of the best places to start is with setting clear boundaries. A boundary is simply an invisible line that you set for yourself and that you do not allow someone to cross. This may be physical or emotional. And exactly where that boundary is drawn is completely up to you.
California-based psychotherapist Sharon Martin shares three tips for setting boundaries with toxic people.

Be straightforward with the boundaries you define — and don’t leave them up for interpretation. While your toxic parent may not be happy being told what to do (in fact, pushing beyond your limits is likely one of the ways they are toxic!), they will lose the ability to push you past your breaking zone.

Make communication about boundaries clear and consistent. Stick to your guns. It’s OK to say NO to your parents if they have gone too far. At the same time, stay calm and resist blaming and getting overly defensive (some parents feed on this energy).

Continually check in with yourself. Are your parents respecting your boundaries? If not, you may need to come up with a plan B, even if it means cutting contact for some time.

Healing

It’s important to take the time to think about your childhood experiences and how they shaped you. Sit with them. Think about how they make you feel. Think about how they make you act. You might find it helpful to write your feelings down or to talk with a trusted family member or friend.
For some, this process may be overwhelming. You don’t have to embark on the path of healing alone. Consider making an appointment with a licensed mental health professional to get some ideas for how to start.
And if you do see certain behaviors coming out in your own parenting, try these tips from the experts at Brown University:

Make a list of the things you want to change.

Write next to each behavior the way you would like to behave/feel instead.

Prioritize the list if you want, and then choosing a behavior to start with.

Practice your desired behavior in place of the one you want to change.

Once you feel you’ve mastered one behavior, you can move your way down the list and attack others.
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