Sitting down with John Fontanez for another conversation revealing and brining awareness to John's true story. For those who have been following John's story and have listened to the previous two episodes leave a comment below and let us know. If you like it, make sure you share this with your circle...

I talked about my relationship with my father and was asked some good questions. I told you that I was satisfied with our relationship and where we’re at, but that isn’t entirely true. At forty-five years of age I still find myself jealous of the time he gives to others and seemingly denies me. I am often trying to get time with him. Oftentimes it consists of sporadic dinners together when he isn’t busy. The truth is that we’re both adults and we don’t really share common interests. So in reality, aside from me being his son why would we hang out? When I met him, and I told him he didn’t owe me anything. I meant it then, but over the years I’ve felt that he did – he owed me time and I still wanted it even though I am now a middle-aged man with kids of my own. But what may be the truth is lost time cannot be harnessed and dropped into the present; and we must let go of expectations to whatever degree we can and meet people where they’re at and have what we can if it’s important to us. And that’s not really advice to the audience, that’s advice for myself.
My relationship with my mother is completely different and my desire to have one with her isn’t the same as my desire to have a deeper one with my dad. I don’t necessarily long for a deep relationship with her. My relationship with her is by way of my girls. If not for them I may not have any contact with her. I have lived with my mom periodically over my lifetime and she has also lived with me. When she was married I lived with her briefly in Delaware. My recollections of the period are of my mom being mean to me, mostly yelling at me. I was definitely afraid of her. And to be honest, I’ve displayed that temper with my own children. I’m always ashamed when I act in that way. I feel like I’m better than that, I want to be better than that.
When I say my relationship with my mother is by way of my girls I don’t mean that she’s a part of my life because she is a grandmother to my girls. It came about because I needed someone’s help if I were going to seek joint custody. And since I had become reclusive over the years I didn’t have anyone to ask for help except for her. I reluctantly allowed her into my life so that I could have a life with my girls. It was a trade-off of sorts. I would endure the uncomfortable relationship with my mother so that I didn’t lose the relationship with my girls.
I have struggled with both parental relationships. I cannot, with certainty, say that I love either parent. What I crave from my dad may simply be biological. He wasn’t there and I realized that I had missed something crucial in my life and I want to get it back. My mother, on the other hand, was there, but she didn’t care for me. For a long time, I was angry with her, but now I feel indifferent towards her. She failed to fulfill that crucial role as mother to me. Now she simply fulfills another role in my life so that I can be a present dad in my girls’ lives. The role she fulfills allows me to have my girls in a greater capacity than I could have otherwise. And that’s our relationship. I believe these struggles exist because the roles essentially are important. I am doing my best to manage them. But even in that, I know the role I play in my girls’ lives and it’s to be fully present. That is what this is all about. And I won’t let those strained relationships hinder my relationship and my ability to be a committed parent and father.


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