13 DEC 2024 · Joke – Meeting a Red Head "I was in LA, and this absolutely stunning redhead starts hitting on me at the airport. I mean, full-on flirting—hair flips, winks, the whole package. And I’m standing there thinking, ‘Wow, she’s into me!’ She was so charming, I almost forgot I was in LA. She’s like, ‘So, do you work out? Do you eat clean?’ And I’m thinking, ‘Wow, she cares about my health!’ But then my brain goes, ‘Wait a second… this is LA. Is she into me or my kidneys? We continued talking, about life, and she was obviously into fitness, so I dismissed some of her questions about my health. But the light bulb went on when she asked me, ‘What’s your blood type?’ ‘I answered, “Uh, O positive?’ She smiles and says, ‘Perfect.’ Perfect for what?! Dating or a donor match? This wasn’t an attraction but a pre-op consultation. Then it hit me—she wasn’t interested in dating me, she was just checking the warranty on my organs. Like, lady, if you want my kidneys, at least buy me a drink first!" I’ve never been so attracted and terrified at the same time." "I didn’t know if we were headed to a romantic dinner or a shady back alley where some dude named Vlad was waiting with an ice bath. Either way, I figured, ‘Let’s roll the dice. Worst-case scenario, I wake up a pound lighter.’”
Joke – Beating Mike Tyson At one point Mike Tyson was considered the baddest dude on the planet. He put fear in many. But his recent fight wasn’t very good. After watching the fight, my cousin said, “Heck, I could whoop Mike Tyson” after seeing that. I laughed at him and said, “Really? Because of your two weeks at karate camp 25 years ago. You got skills”. He said, “He looked bad.” Sure, bad for an almost 60 year old. But just to get in there and go one round with a serious boxer takes a lot of training and stamina. I told my cousin, I watched you pull a muscle getting out of your truck. You ever notice how watching a professional fighter past their prime turns every couch potato into Muhammad Ali? The other day, I’m watching a Mike Tyson fight with my cousin. You know, Iron Mike, the guy who used to knock people out before the referee finished saying, “Touch gloves.” Now, I’ll admit, Tyson wasn’t in his prime. The man’s pushing 60—he’s more likely to throw out his back than a combo. But still, it’s Mike freakin’ Tyson. And my cousin, who’s built like a dad bod statue, turns to me and says, “Man, I could whoop Mike Tyson.” I just stared at him. Like, “Really? You? With your championship title in backyard BBQs and high scores on Call of Duty?” I said, “Bro, you went to karate camp for two weeks in 1998. Your biggest victory was breaking a plank of balsa wood, and the instructor held it for you.” But he’s adamant. “Nah, he looked bad.”
Yeah, bad for a guy nearing retirement age who can still throw a hook that’d rearrange your dental work for free. I reminded him, “You pulled a hamstring last week getting out of your truck. Tyson’s bad day would still leave you on the mat, hugging it like it’s a Tempur-Pedic.” And here’s the thing—watching Mike Tyson box and thinking you can take him is like watching Gordon Ramsay burn toast and deciding you should open a restaurant. Like, "I can do better than that!" No, you can’t. You’re not even in the same galaxy. And let’s be honest, even old Mike Tyson isn’t about finesse anymore. He’s about survival instinct and residual rage. You’d step in that ring, and by the time you blinked, you’d be an extra in your own personal episode of Cops