28 JUN 2024 · Sex robots will simply break your neck quickly during intercourse. Presumably robots are too smart to allow reality tv to continue. Another chance to wear your Sarah Connor cosplay outfit. You very well could end up as someone better than you are now in the matrix. Your dead human flesh could possibly be used in the creation of a killer cyborg by the robot overlords!! So cool!! As a member of the human resistance, the various damp places you find to hide in are absolutely rent free! If they decide to keep you as a pet, you'll finally be able to enjoy a life of serenity and relaxation once they have you neutered. Your charred skull could possibly be used as a centerpiece at super fancy robot parties! Don't worry , the robots will keep Tik Tok around in order to properly display their robotic dancing prowess. Probably no more Nazi assholes.

28 JUN 2024 · The role: Friend. Bring your A-game, as this could be the gig of a lifetime for you. Literally. The casting directors: My husband Rusty and myself, aiming to prove that it is possible to make new friends after the age of 40. The setting: Our kitchen table. (Excerpts from the directors' notes follow.) Auditionee #1 - Sarah T. Sarah made a strong first impression. When asked how she liked her coffee, she replied, "Black, like my Presidents." No argument there! An artist / website designer, Sarah disarmed us with her witty banter and upbeat personality. A level of comfort was quickly established. It was going very well until she asked, "So since you guys have no kids, who's inheriting your rent-stabilized lease? You could adopt me! I'm kidding!" Then she burst into manic laughter. And just like that, those sparkly eyes became crazy eyes. Auditionee #5 - Michael R. Michael, a millennial gay man, had recently gotten over a painful breakup and was looking to "explore new friendscapes," as he put it. He brought up his love of classic film and the three of us spent a terrific thirty minutes discussing the work of Todd Haynes, how Antonioni's "Blow Up" informed De Palma's "Blow Out" and just generally geeking out over flicks we liked. Then he said, "I'm working on a screenplay. Would you like to read it?" As he whipped out his iPad, we realized he meant read it now. "It's about two men going through a painful breakup. I've completed eighty pages." Rusty acted quickly and pretended to get a call from his grandmother (who's been dead for years). I married the right guy. Auditionee #24 - Matthew J. At first glance, Matt seemed too young for the role, but we kept an open mind. This Gen Zer got off to a great start. He talked about how much he likes "old music" like The Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Garbage and The White Stripes - basically the playlist of our youth. Excellent. He also seemed to truly enjoy hearing stories about NYC in the aughts - or the "old days," as he called them. Unfortunate phraseology aside, Matt's enthusiasm for music, art and literature was a pleasant surprise and it was at this point that he became our front-runner. Then the conversation turned to politics. "The 2016 election was the first one I could vote in," he explained, "and I went with Jill Stein. I voted for Biden in 2020. But I don't know, man…if a viable third-party candidate comes along this year, I might go that route again. Shake things up a little, you know?" As I watched the veins on Rusty's forehead start to throb, I thanked Matt for his time and lied, "We'll be in touch." Auditionee #47 - Kaden P. Kaden arrived at the front door wearing a Jason Aldean t-shirt. Hahahaha! Seriously, universe? No fucking way. Auditionee #118 - Monica W. Ashlee burst into the room full of kinetic energy. Clad in yoga pants and a tank top, this slender mother of two was a fireball. She plopped down and exclaimed, "My husband's job is so demanding! And now that both kids are in school all day, I'm looking to make new friends!" I remarked on her Fitbit. "Oh, I'm obsessed with it! Gotta get those steps! I've been told I have the resting heart rate of an Olympic skier!" I joked, "Well, I've been told I have the resting bitch face of Anna Wintour!" Ashlee sternly replied, "That has nothing to do with fitness." Suddenly I remembered a comment a Whole Foods employee once whispered to me as we watched a woman much like Ashlee almost knock an elderly man over with her cart. "Those yoga moms are scary." Agreed. The winner: Sean G. Sean is a fortyish writer who landed the role without an audition. He's left-of-center politically and has a great sense of humor. Like us, he likes a lot of older indie music, but is also open to discovering new stuff. He's charming, he's a good conversationalist and we're certain that Sean doesn't have any weird baggage or personality traits that are going to catch us off guard down the road. How are we certain of this? Rusty created him using AI. We'd like to...

28 JUN 2024 · You recently took a ride in our elevator. Customer satisfaction is very important to us. Please help us by completing this five minute survey to tell us about your experience. What was the main purpose of your elevator trip? Business Pleasure Just taking a test drive Get away from my spouse/roommate Which answer best describes your experience riding this and other elevators? This was my first time riding any elevator. I have ridden elevators in the past, but this was my first ride in this elevator. I have ridden this elevator a few times before. I live or work in the building and have a season subscription to the elevator. I live in this elevator. Scheduling When it came to scheduling your elevator ride, please select the statements that you agree with. The button(s) were easy to find. The button lit up brightly after I pressed it. I felt confident the elevator was coming. I did not have to wait long for the elevator to arrive. The ads on the wall monitor had the right balance of relevance and eroticism. Elevator Operator If there was an elevator operator, please select the statements that you agree with. The operator greeted me with a smile and a warm hello. The operator understood my elevation needs. The operator had the required knowledge and training to operate the elevator. The operator communicated what would happen using clear, non-technical language. The operator gossiped about people who live or work in the building. The operator promoted conspiracy theories. The operator used a slur the expected number of times. The Ride What phrase best describes the direction the elevator was traveling? Going up Going down Side to side When you read the option "Going down", what was your reaction? Turned on Grossed out Not sure what you mean How did you feel when the elevator door opened on your floor? Calm Nervous Nauseous An urgent need to pee Level achieved! Unpleasant Events Did you experience any of the following unpleasant events during your ride? Select all that apply. Kid got in and pressed all the buttons Lazy person took the elevator for just one floor Elevator passed my destination floor several times in both directions. Power outage Awkward encounter with someone who has blocked me on social media Fart Groped by another passenger or by the operator Fatal elevator crash We are sorry you encountered someone who is blocking you on social media. What happened in your last interaction before they blocked you? Select all that apply. I sent them a nude photo. I tried to sell them a timeshare. I insulted their looks and/or intelligence. I expressed an opinion about the Israel-Palestine conflict. Final Thoughts How satisfied were you with your overall experience in the elevator? Worst trip ever! Disappointed Meh Cool beans The ride of my life!! How likely are you to recommend this elevator to a friend or coworker? Very unlikely Unlikely Whatever Likely Very likely If this elevator had not been available, what other mode(s) of transportation would you have considered? Select all that apply. A competitor's elevator Stairs Rappel Climb the building like Spiderman If you have additional feedback about how we can improve your experience, please enter it below. Your feedback will remain anonymous because we promise not to read it. We hope you enjoyed this survey. Please click the link below to share your survey experience and tell us how we did. https://www.surveymonkey.com/ r/GR93BD9

27 JUN 2024 · Hey guys, thanks so much for joining me again today! As you know, I usually focus on skincare and fitness regimens here, but a lot of you have been asking about my getting-away-with-multiple murders routine, so without further ado, here are my hacks. (Laughs) I'm so bad! Ok, first things first, you're gonna want to run with a crowd of similar-looking friends who all have similar-looking significant others. It's ok to set yourself apart a little by having a slightly better haircut, but trust me guys - being indistinguishable from your peers is all part of successfully getting away with being a serial killer. Next, make sure those friends are just as shallow and self-absorbed as you are. If they're constantly concerned with their looks, wardrobes, business cards, and dinner reservations, there's no way they have time to wonder or care about anyone else. They won't even register that freaky confession you said directly to them. Also, just don't be afraid to be hot. People inherently trust hotter people way more; it's a scientific fact. If you're smokin', not only will others be more likely to believe you when you say you don't know what happened to that missing person, but they'll also be more willing to sleep with you and become yet another of your potential victims, so win-win! As you can see, now we're in a dark alleyway. I know, sorry about the lighting, but it's kind of crucial to the whole not-getting-caught thing. I'm gonna go ahead and leave on my herb-mint facial mask while we do this…I know, I look funny, but this is so important…I like to have buttery-feeling skin and a healthy glow whenever I eviscerate someone. So, here's an unsuspecting victim nobody will miss. She is so stunning, I almost feel bad about killing her, but not enough. On with the leather gloves, and shout out to Harper - thanks girl for this adorable lambskin pair! They are such a vibe. Perfect for keeping fingerprints at bay and, most of all, saving my manicure… …Ok, and murder complete! (breathes heavily) Sorry, I'm having a moment right now. On to the tricky part - getting away with it. Now as you guys already know, I only promote stuff if I truly believe in the product, which is why I cannot say enough good things about this Jean Paul Gaultier garment bag. Not only is it stylish, it's practical for concealing and disposing of dead bodies and it can distract your dumbass friends from realizing there even is a body inside. They'll be so busy admiring your exquisite taste that they won't notice the distinct adult human shape inside. Crazy, right? The privacy of your home can be a good place to kill someone too, and the light is way better. You'll want to have a lot of cleaning products on hand. I discovered this no-splash bleach the other day, and guys, I can't even tell you how obsessed I am. Also, make sure you blast some music if this is the route you choose to go - not only is it fun to give your clueless victims a little monologue about your favorite tunes in the last moments of their lives, but the noise level helps keep your neighbors from hearing the screams or the sound of chainsaws. Don't be afraid to dance like no one's watching, because no one will be! For those at-home murders, feel free to utilize your kitchen freezer for body parts afterward. It's a great option when you're not sure how long you want to have the corpse around, and it takes care of the whole smell problem. You don't want your sanctuary to reek of death later when you're ready to unwind with some self-care. Last but not least, always appreciate your supporters, whomever they may be. I personally find some of the alt-right camp kind of poor and gross, but if they want to deify me for my wealth, sex life, and ability to get away with hurting women, well then, who am I to be judge-y? You never know what moron might be willing to take the fall for you in the future, so all I'm saying is keep those options open. That's all from me for today, but thank you guys for watching...

25 JUN 2024 · "Louisiana has become the first state to require that the Ten Commandments be displayed in every public school classroom, the latest move from a GOP-dominated Legislature pushing a conservative agenda under a new governor." -AP News, 6/20/24 1. You shall have no other governors before Me, Governor Jeff Landry of the great state of Louisiana. 1. You shall not make for yourself a carved image - any likeness of anything that is in any other religion other than whatever warped cult-like Evangelical Trumpism Christianity we worship in the Louisiana legislature. For I, the Landry your Governor, am a jealous Governor, visiting the iniquity (I don't know what that word means because I was educated in Louisiana public schools) fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of the ACLU who hate Me, but showing mercy to dozens, to those who love Me and keep my My commandments (and also whisper in my ear when this press conference is over what the hell iniquity means). 1. You shall not take the name of the Lord your Governor in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes Him to court for violating the First Amendment. 1. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy, unless the Sabbath is Shabbat and you are Jewish. We don't have those in Louisiana. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Landry your Governor. If this was actually Exodus 20:8-11, I would tell you to rest. But since you're a student please for the love of God do your homework and study on the Sabbath, for we have spent so much time and taxpayer money policing the religion of our state that we don't have the resources left to actually teach, and thus rank 47th in education nationwide. 1. Honor your father and your mother, unless they are a religion other than Evangelical Christianity, that your days may be long upon the land which the Landry your Governor is giving you, unless you rent. 1. You shall not murder from the moment of conception. After birthday, we don't really care what you do anymore. 1. You shall not commit adultery. Probably more relevant for conservative Republican lawmakers than 5th graders, but we're not going to address that at this time. Thou shall only learn abstinence-only sex education, so you'll never know what this means anyway. 1. You shall not steal. Unless you're stealing your ideals for governing from autocratic oligarchs. In that case, be our guest. 1. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Unless your neighbor is gay. 1. You shall not covet. I just learned what "covet" means. You shall not "covet" your neighbor's house, unless they have a pool or live on a golf course. Then, maybe you can get them evicted for being poor, which is not the Governor's will. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, unless she is younger and hotter than your own.

21 JUN 2024 · Powdered Eye Of Newt Advanced arm wrestling ability upgrade. Skin Shavings From Recently Deflowered Warlock Up to 50% off your regular car insurance. Feather Of A Witch's Familiar Ability to suddenly understand the appeal of The Bachelor. Distilled Cupid Tears Akin to the shingles vaccine, but with a slight sour cream and cheddar aftertaste. Pickled Antichrist Placenta Sharpens up your tennis swing. Blessed Stomach Lining Of A Dragon Become a master of the 2 Step overnight!! Scrap of Torn Flesh Containing Ancient Druid Tattoo A zesty addition to any vinegar based salad. Ashes Of Burnt Ouija Board Possessed By Serial Killer Demon The base ingredient of a real chocolate cake with no calories!!

21 JUN 2024 · Hi Stuart. Thanks so much for meeting with me today. Can I get you a large tap water or anything from the counter? They all know me here. No? Okay, great. Thanks for accepting my Facebook Messenger request. I can't believe we haven't hung out since sophomore year in high school! Me? Man, I'm so busy these days with Sandra working full time. That's my mom. Every week I have to power through whatever's new on Netflix and Xbox, then all the rest of my time goes into my new organization. What's the organization, I think I heard you ask? Well, let me put it to you this way: do you ever wish you had more control over your life? Most people are wasting their lives chained to a desk and working to make some CEO a little richer, am I right? What if you could take that time back for yourself? What if you could be your OWN boss? I can see you reaching for your keys, Stu. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not trying to recruit you to sell some kind of makeup or juice or fitness tortilla wrap for the human body. I have no doubt you feel the same way about all that pyramid scheme garbage that I do: sad that they're having all that fun with their friends without us. Did I read your mind there, Stuey? Just like you, probably, I waited for years to be invited into a multi-level marketing racket. Watching everyone on their four-hour lunch meetings and their social media live streams really got me thinking. Why not me? I'm a fun guy. I deserve a chance to try to solve my financial problems by taking a week trip to an airport hotel in Columbus. That's why I founded Essential Ales: a pyramid scheme for the rest of us. If you're struggling with the realities of loneliness and failure, my Essential Ales are a miracle cure-I have to tell you the FDA hasn't come around on that claim yet-and I have an exciting opportunity for some motivated consumer-distributors to help me get the word out. Do you like friends? Do you like drinking? Do you want to be taken seriously about it? Then I want you on my team. No, Stu-pendous, this isn't just about booze. We'll expect you to stay familiar with the product, obviously, but we are in the people business! Those late nights at the bar will be official meetings, and we'll spend most of them scheduling other meetings. You've seen the spirited scheming that goes on once our miracle product starts flowing: weekend plans, road trips, and pledges to be best friends forever. You deserve a job where everyone in attendance can't stop talking about the next official meeting. If you need to quit, there are meetings for that, too. It won't always be easy. I'm looking for top performers willing to go the extra mile: real bar closers not afraid of a 3-day recruiting binge. This line of work will show you who your real friends and family are. The losers in your life will try to stop you. When that happens, I find that the product helps. Ready for the best part? You can operate remotely anywhere, at any time! Well, not while driving, trust me, but what you do at home during the day is nobody's business but your new business! Schedule a call with your team and you can collaborate at any time, all over the globe. Really makes you feel bad for those "cool" pyramid jockeys with a garage full of stretchy pants, eh? So what do you say? Want to keep working for the sober nerds for a measly full-time salary and benefits, or are you thirsty to become the second ever Essential Ale-oholic?

20 JUN 2024 · HusbandAI Everyone knows that Tesla loves the ladies - especially those hideous feminists who can't even pay a man to stick around. Now those spinsters can enjoy HusbandAI, a device made for cats to wear, and jezebels to enjoy. Simply strap your cat, probably named Ryan Gosling, to the HusbandAI, and finally, a man will talk at you. HusbandAI tells you the sweet nothings any spouse would, such as "Why don't you dress like your friend Veronica?" or "The mental load is a myth." Just like a glorious human man, HusbandAI will never do the dishes, never scrub a toilet…but he always leaves indestructible skid marks the way gals secretly enjoy. Where does he leave them? Sky's the limit, princess. HusbandAI knows that wiping his ButtAI makes him gay. NeuraBra Have you noticed the lack of giant tits due to the cuckification of America? Behold the NeuraBra, an entirely new manner of strapping tig-ol-biddies up to your neck…and it's controllable by your man. The NeuraBra comes with two parts - a microchip implanted into the master's brain, and the bra, locked onto the female's chestal region. Only the master has the key, because chicks lose everything. Using just the unparalleled power of man-thoughts, the NeuraBra gigantizes the boobs or spins them in different directions. Imagine you, a glorious TradWife, doing baby things or whatever. Suddenly your knockers begin twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom! Picture your delight as you can't control your own body whatsoever. Some 3rd degree burns have been reported by the media, but they lie, and so does that witch Jennifer who DID NOT win that lawsuit. Self-Driving Vibrators The fairer sex are feckless creatures and terrible drivers. Therefore, they can't be trusted to use vibrators correctly, which is while crying and wishing for a boyfriend who is pale and from South Africa. Introducing the new Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator. It's the vibrator women need but don't want, and its rate of explosion is 3% down over beta testing. That's a lot of numbers for the female brain, but what it means is that the Tesla Self-Driving Vibrator will never replace that real-life man you brought home last weekend - undoubtedly excellent at lady-sex stuff, like all guys. HoverToaster Are you too much of a manic pixie dream girl to own a regular appliance? Are you too sexy to purchase a toaster that doesn't fly or randomly electrocute you? If you allow a little electrocution to un-woman you, then the Tesla HoverToaster is not for you, chicky. It burns bread faster than any other toaster in existence, clocking in at an unparalleled 1.3 seconds. Can GE manage that? Or the Chinese??? Nobody makes food inedible like Tesla, just as nobody else is murdering their drivers the way we can. Afraid? That's natural for the gentler sex. Only the top 1% of you can even catch the HoverToaster, much less survive it. BullyLink Finally, a product that allows free speech! BullyLink is the tool you need to speak your supportive female mind about how liberal women shouldn't exist, angry women shouldn't exist, and how women shouldn't be allowed to say no. Because nothing is more important than free speech, sweetie. Buckle Tesla BullyLink to your mouth, and 17 pounds of badass metal will immediately make you look smarter than the other PTA women - and definitely won't cause face prolapse. With BullyLink, you can scold enemy broads close to you, or far away with its patented BullyECHO feature. Watch glass and hysterical fee-fees shatter everywhere you go! Although BullyLink is megaultrapowerful, do not use BullyLink in water, at an elevation above 500 feet, or near squirrels. By reading this, you agree to indemnify Tesla from all squirrel king attacks. The CyberPad Are you, a genuine lady, tired of woke products showing you reality, which makes you frown? Frowning is disgusting. Look no further than the Tesla CyberPad, a new internet tool to feed you the misinformation men wish were real. CyberPad can be activated by any non-D...

19 JUN 2024 · A Tale of Two Cities (A Philly cheese steak with Bologna) The Grapes of Wrath (When you're allergic to grapes but can't help yourself from indulging in buttered cinnamon raisin toast) Oliver Twist (If your name is Oliver and you want turkey on challah) The Lord of The Rings (If you happen to come from a landowning British family and want half a dozen everything bagels with cream cheese) The Catcher in the Rye (Ham and swiss on pumpernickel) The Old Man and the Sea (When you want whatever the elderly man next to you ordered, and it's a tuna-salad sandwich) Brave New World (Mungbean pastrami with vegan mayo on whole grain) The Outsiders (An open-face sandwich enjoyed in the company of your cross-town rivals) The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (Chef's pick when you're at lunch with your in-laws and they seat you next to the coat rack) Lord of the Flies (Raw beef on white)

18 JUN 2024 · Ready for House of Dragon season 2? Do you remember who's a Targaryen and who's a Hightower? Do you remember the name of a single dragon from season 1? Do you even remember what streaming service the show is on? Neither do I. But I know I subscribe to it. Because my Visa bill says I subscribe to ALL of them. 1. Vermax 2. Youku 3. Xumo 4. Syrax 5. Meleys 6. Tidal 7. Mubi 8. Caraxes 9. Vhagar 10. Plex 11. Vivamax 12. Dreamfyre 13. Arrax Dragon: 1, 4, 5, 8, 9, 12, 13 Streaming Service: 2, 3, 6, 7, 10, 11